There are many reasons why I personally felt 'screwed up' .The JW religion was one of the biggest contributors of my troubled mind .
Mainly the impact it had on me as a child was the insistance I be 'different' ,and separate from others my own age . I never felt like I belonged ....any where ...at school I had to sit out in the hall during social parties ,go home early when there was pep rallies or other events that made the other kids feel part of the school spirit . Because my Father was retired military ,and not a witness ,I really didn't feel totally accepted in the hall either . Never as a child were we invited to another Witnesses house as a family . My Mother instilled into me a pure fantasy of how perfect other Witness kids lives where because both their parents glorified God .
These feelings of being isolated were coupled with Armageddon fears ,and other events in my young life that ended up causing a low level anxiety and depression that plagued me for years . The constant voice in my head as a kid was "your not good enough " ,"your bad and you do bad things ", "God could never be happy with you " .
One year in High School we had to keep a daily journal that the Teacher read . She was looking for us to write down our inner thoughts ......During this time I was going through typical boy issues at school and was being hounded by the Elders for conduct unbecoming of a Christian . When she read what I was going through and what I really thought of myself She became quite alarmed . She confronted me one day and asked if I was at risk for hurting myself ......I learned that day not to be so honest in my journal . Learning to bottle up my feelings and to keep things inside had become very easy to me by now .
Even when I was very small my Mom taught us not to voice any of our problems in front of our Dad . If we had a bad day at school because someone made fun of us for not celebrating a holiday we just had to learn to suck it up because it was more important to please Jehovah than ourselves . I recall sitting in the hall at school fighting back tears and feeling like an outcast ,but mentally telling myself ,'This is making Jehovah happy ,this is making Jehovah happy......"
There is so much I could say on this topic ........because so much of my life was wasted feeling I was screwed up ,then I found out no it really isn't me it is what I was taught to be that was screwed up . The last few years my mind has become Untroubled finally . I really just enjoy being me . Those negative thoughts quit soon after I quit attending the brain washing sessions at the Kingdom Hall .
When the Elders came by last spring the first thing they did was try to instill fear about the horrible conditions of the world . I cut that talk off right away . Then they said they missed us .....and I immediately asked 'why did it take you four yrs to say so' ? ( I don't bottle my thoughts up anymore ) In the end the Elder did not really care that I was now happy and undepressed . In fact in the end of their visit the truth came out that the only reason they had come by was to find out if we were now celebrating holidays . That caused me to assert my new found freedom of telling them my life Is no longer any of your business and I will not answer personal questions .
So did the religion screw me up ....well hell yeah for too many years I think it did .
But the better question is :Can you personally take power and unscrew your life ? Hell yes !
You don't have to let one more day go by allowing what has been to be ,what will be .
That is what is so great about this forum ,we hear from people in all stages and we can believe it is possible to regain our lives . I know it has encouraged me reading experiences here to never give up or give in .
